Delightful!

I use that word to describe lots of things.  A yummy wine, a beautiful piece of clothing, a great movie, a fabulous dinner.  All worthy of being "delightful".  This last week I went to a four day Prayer Summit at Cannon Beach.  Yep, four days of praying with women I knew, and those I met for the first time.  It was heavy at times, emotional, freeing and yes... delightful!

I was convicted while I was praying that though I may desire to do ministry, and I am a "doer" at my core, that until I really fully grasped the love of God for me and his heart toward me I would not be effective in any ministry.  This came out of my desire to "do" things for God and help build his Kingdom.  But really that's not what he wants from me.  I delight in so many things, but do I delight in my God, in my Savior?  How can I speak to others of his love if its not at the core of my experience? 

You see I had developed an attitude that Lord didn't want to use me like he was using others.  It was something that had crept in long ago, when some of my dear friends went "off" and left me here.  They were going off to "do" ministry and I was in the same place. Working.  Why was I not sent off also?  It was a very woe is me attitude, and one that at the core questioned God's intentions towards me and how he feels about me.

I needed to bury that disappointment, which was really a lie, so it couldn't poison my thoughts anymore.  But you can't just root out an incorrect thought in one good intention.  It takes some effort to replace it with the truth.  That's when I heard the Lord's voice to me... How often do you just delight in me?  In who I am?  Do you really know me at all?  If you believed those lies about me, and how I feel about you then you don't know me!  It's like when a person you considered a close friend misreads you or your intentions and you are flabbergasted at their response... Don't they KNOW me?  How could they think...  That's the response I was getting back.  I was given a word to combat this.

"I delight greatly in the Lord;

my soul rejoices in my God."

Isaiah 61:10

This is my new mantra.  It's a simple concept.  Just see who my God really is. And delight and rejoice in it.  Meditate on the truth.  See him.



I think I might be pregant.

Yep, you read that right. I know, it surprised me too. It's pretty miraculous considering the circumstances.  I am pregnant with a ministry. The idea has been growing in me since I was 19.  I believe that it is from the Lord and He has given it to me to steward for some reason. One of my amazing mentors has been describing my passion for this ministry to me this way. I joked that it might be the only time I am pregnant with something.  Don't groan here friends and think I am being self-deprecating...it's true, and I might be ok with that. I am excited at the idea of experiencing pregnancy at all. It's giving birth that is the thing that always terrified me.

I was challenged to think about how I would nourish and care for this idea I am pregnant with.  That's a hard one. I mean what do dreams and passions live on? Hope comes to mind, and faith.  How will I continue to hope and have faith that this ministry will come to pass? It's quite difficult at times for it not to be just a pipe dream.  It's one of my greatest fears that I will only ever be just talk about this.  But when you are pregnant, that baby is coming no matter what.  So I think the idea is to prepare as best you can.

Right now my heart just wants so badly to "nest".  I want to create the home for this ministry to happen in.  It seems such an insurmountable task.  I mean I need land, buildings and funding. I do things up in quality fashion also as you know too, so it will take serious funding.  I suppose like all moms I just want the best for my baby.  But what if we end up homeless and on WIC?  That was not what I had in mind. Today we discussed some property that is for sale for a great deal, but where will we find a million or so to buy it with?

I just have a lot of questions and concerns right now.  There isn't any What to Expect When You Are Expecting books that I know of for this.  Not that that would help, because it just ended up making most of my friends who read it paranoid and neurotic. I really want a Father for this baby. I don't want to be a single parent. That is so much to o alone! I need a partner. This is where it gets trippy for me, if it wasn't before.  I suppose the way this works is that the one who impregnated me with this idea in the first place is responsible for this idea.  So my God who loves people so much and wants me to express this love to them is in this with me.  He has the resources of all of heaven and earth and beyond and his disposal.  I suppose I should trust that He is the one who is going to provide for me and my baby.

I am still scared of the birthing process and pains though...and I don't even want to begin think about the translation of stretch marks to this idea!

Plan vs Actual

"The span between life as we intend it and life as we receive it is vast. Our true purpose is worked out in that gap. It is fashioned in the crucible of interruptions." Mark Buchanan The Rest of God: Restoring Your Soul By Restoring Sabbath

Life as I had originally intended it in my dreams and youth is certainly not what I have received. I like the word received here.  What we envision at times is so very limiting on what the Lord intends to do with and through us. When we open our hearts up to see where He wants to take us, when we receive the life He has for us, our perspective changes. The drive falls away and is replaced by seeing His plan.  I still very much struggle at times to see His logic and plan. But looking back I see I have been steered well. He has taken me on a very different path, but I can only be grateful for that.  Can we let go of those intended things without them becoming disappointments that drive a wedge between our Father and ourselves? That is my assignment to reflect on for now. 

At work we talk a lot about how we are doing with our actual results versus our plans.  We are always striving hard to hit plan or do better.  Yet in my personal life I see sometimes my plan is no where close to the actual which is happening.  What is the real "plan" I should be working toward?  See the flaw in the logic I have at times is I think I am driving the plan. When really I never saw the actual plan.  I need to be seeking, looking for His plan. When I orient myself toward that these other things will no longer appear to be interruptions, but purposeful.  

“One of the largest obstacles of true Sabbath-keeping is leisure…Leisure is what Sabbath becomes when we no longer know how to sanctify time. Leisure is Sabbath bereft of the sacred.” (p. 35)

Most of my thoughts and ruminations right now are finding their genesis in Mark Buchanan’s book “The Rest of God” (2006).  These posts are my working out of his teaching in my own life.

I no longer like to go on a vacation where I do a lot of sightseeing and activities and call it restful.  It’s not restful being on a schedule or running from site to site in a new place.  It’s just as tiring or more than going to work all week.  In the past I would go on this sort of vacation and come back to work and feel worse than when I had left.   I had seen a lot but I had run myself ragged in the short time I was gone, packing in every minute.  Vacation in its root means to vacate, or leave or evacuate something. When we go on vacation do we actually leave behind our busyness, or do we just take on a new form of busyness, vacation busyness? We need to learn how to find real rest.  A time that is set apart for restoration and renewing of our mind, so that we can continue on in our day to day work. Romans 12: 2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (NIV)

I must admit that more often than not my dream is to just not work anymore.  I mean wouldn’t that be the ultimate in rest?  You wouldn’t have to DO anything.  I have been deceived multiple times into thinking that if I just didn’t have to work my life would be easier, more restful, less frantic.  Why haven’t I won the Lottery or that HGTV Dream Home yet?  Oh wait, I don’t enter the lottery… But would my life really be more rested and less frantic if I didn’t work?  No I don’t think so.  In fact when I stay home and do nothing, I don’t feel any better either.  I just feel lazy and like I wasted the day.   I think we really need work.  It helps us feel productive and feel purposeful.  No the answer to my struggle against a hectic life and busyness is not stopping work.  We were created to work.  Adam was given the Garden of Eden to tend, and the animals to name and care for. Later work became at its core frustrating after the fall (Gen 3:17-19), but there is still so much satisfaction in a good day’s work.  I often find working in my garden so restful and restorative.  I see the fruit of my labor in the tidiness of the flower beds, the growth of the vegetables and blooms.  God is at his core a grower of this world, a gardener of our spirits.  We are replicating God’s work.  I love to build things for my house.  I love to create and knit something from nothing.  To see an idea or plan take shape and come to physical existence is so exiting and satisfying.  Again, this is one of God’s core characteristics.  He is the Creator.  And now we get the opportunity and joy of creating. So removing work from our lives is not what we need.  It is not the solution.

Rest is really setting apart time for the sacred.  Sabbath time is a time to renew our minds, to re-center and refocus on God’s core plan for us, for this world, to remind ourselves of truth. What we really need is to be made new in the attitude of our minds.  Ephesians 4: 22-24 “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”  I’ve never been good at “quiet times” with the Lord. I’ve never been naturally disciplined to take and make time sacred.  This is my next quest, this is how I will stay rested.  I suppose I need to just start trying.

Purpose

Do you know what yours is? It's amazing how much purpose drives us. We need a purpose in life. Some core value to live for. Now as a believer definitely we have the"macro" purposes to live by. For example Matthew 22:37-39 "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself." There are others like "Be fruitful and multiply", but my participation in that command isn't quite for this moment in my life. So how do we use the gifts we have been given by the Lord? What has He created you to do here?

You see this last year was pretty big for me. First I hit the ten year anniversary at my work and subsequently received my first ever sabbatical. A great blessing, but also a time marker. You see that sabbatical had always seemed so far off, and in my mind I would have accomplished so many things by that time in my life. It was an important year of reflection. Also it was a year marked with a very intense project, long hours and exhaustion. And what was it for? You see, my purpose, what I was created for....it's not what I am doing in my day to day job. That began to gnaw at me. I knew shipping shoes, improving processes, and making sure you could buy NFL jerseys was NOT what I was passionate about. I am good at it, and for years that success and the idea that I had time lulled me into complacency. But that is not what I want my life defined by. So what was my purpose?

After my year of reflection I realized this purpose this calling has been incubating and growing in me for some time. I just needed to articulate it. Here it is...

I am called to encourage, give rest, restore and lift up those that have died to themselves and have committed to a life spent in service to their God and savior. With the goal of keeping them healthy so that they can continue to live out their purpose and calling.

This is what I am passionate about! Now that it's articulated I can't wait to see how God shepherds me in it and where we will go. I have visions but God is the real vision caster and Creator. My prayer is that I will see the next steps one at a time. For now though, I have that core value to go back to. That is who I am. That is how I define myself. I am no longer confined to being defined by my job or my success at it. This has brought me so much freedom. I hope you find and articulate your purpose and calling in life. I am praying you will. Here is a quote that really speaks to the place I am in. Honor your purpose.

"When salvation comes to your house, first you think differently, then you act differently. First you shift the imagination with which you perceive this world then you enact gestures with which you honor it." Mark Buchanan The Rest of God (2006)

You know what assuming does right?

Last year I focused on losing weight and through Weight Watchers (which I seriously recommend) and some serious discipline I finally proved to myself that I could in fact lose the weight I thought I was forever going to have. In many ways it was just an effort to prove an assumption wrong, that I was just genetically predisposed to be the weight I'd been for years. That assumption was totally wrong. I lost 20 lbs, and still going.

So after that enlightening experience I decided to test another assumption. That assumption being that I am not really an athlete and that I will NEVER ever be a runner. In fact I used to tell people (usually at work, the world of runners!) that I only would run if someone was chasing me. Yep, great motto huh? And this weekend I'm running my first 5k run ever.

How did this happen? Well it started with my walks in my effort to lose weight just not feeling like enough effort. I started just having the urge to run. Maybe this was due in part to the fact that I was feeling more in shape than I had in a very long time. Just running a block or two and then walking. Then running a little farther and a little farther. For a while all I could do was the walk/run effort so I needed another driving force. Erin and I decided we'd try and run a 5k together to motivate ourselves to actually get to the point where we were running more than walking. For the past few weeks we've ran for set periods of time and walked for a much shorter time. It helps that the Nikeplus technology makes it so much fun to track my runs, pace and time.

It's so satisfying to know that I'm now running. I'm a runner!!! Another assumption about myself that was not true. What's next? What are your assumptions about yourself? Challenge it, you might be pleasantly surprised that you too can experience a runner's high and its not a myth.

A few things I've been up too...creatively that is.

So I am a knitter. Basically self taught through great video links and books. Its nice to have projects to work on and complete, especially when I don't feel like I'm "completing" things at work. I am not obsessed with knitting all my clothes or wearing knit items all the time. I just like the challenge of knitting. My goal is... Don't make it unless you saw it at Anthropologie and you'd want to buy.

This year I continued my cable obsession and completed two scarves (one for me and one for my dear girl Laurel) in a Sand Pattern of varying sizes:

Trying out fingerless gloves in a first attempt at gloves at all. These are incredibly simple and knitted straight and then stitched up the side. I got the pattern on Ravelry (Waffle Stitch).

I made this super easy scarf, appropriately called the "Easy Mistake Stitch Scarf" is to keep Margo warm in her new house in the woods.

I made two fantastic berets of Anne of Green Gables proportions (aka BIG) for Colleen and myself with this pattern improvised a little.

Links to some of my favorite knitting websites... (This is for you Shannan)
Figure out how to do some of those baffling stitches here and get links to some great free patterns: http://www.knittinghelp.com/
Great ideas at the Purl Bee Blog and tons of patterns.

An encyclopedia of projects/yarns/pattern ideas many for free at Ravelry .

If you want to felt, this is the pattern for the first bag I ever did. French Market Bag

Next up... I want to try Entrelac based off a beautiful wrap I saw in the window of Happy Knits my new favorite local yarn shop. Here's the article at Knitty. There are also some lovely patterns from this gal in Scotland that I am curious to try. Along with this lacy looking scarf which would be a new skill for me.

Walking the line

When does taking action or planning for the future become taking matters into your own hands? Is it a lack of trust that God will work or provide when you plan for the future? I was thinking about this today as I discussed the issue with a friend. We are both the types to "always be prepared". Watch out boy scouts... If you are the type you know what I mean. You have a list for everything you might ever need to pack for a trip. In fact its all probably ready to go in a pre-packed rubbermaid or suitcase. You know, know all the options, have the best one worked out along with 2-3 more in your back pocket just in case. You research all your options when you need to buy something big and you always shop around for the best deal.

But sometimes all those preparations can just turn into a scary struggle with CONTROL in our lives. We have this drive to always know what is coming next. If we could just see up around the bend, then it would be all ok. We could just relax. I don't know about you but I hate reading the ends of books. I don't want to know how it will turn out, I want to go along for the ride and be surprised at the beautiful ending. I trust the author. DON'T tell me how it ends!!!

So then why when things go all awry and the unknown is before me do I start planning, researching, back up planning and most of all worrying. I did this last year when we had looming layoffs at work. What would I do? Where would I go? The questions seemed unrelenting and the answers didn't come floating down from above. Its those times when we are uncertain of the future and we just don't know what will come tomorrow that we are tested in our trust in the provision and guidance of our God. Do we trust that he has a fantastic journey and ending for us? Why can't we just go along with the story? Why do we want to spoil it? Isn't he the author of the best story we'll ever know?

We are supposed to be good steward's of our money, time and resources, but how does that fit with reliance on our good Father, the Provider? I'm so black and white sometimes it is hard to dwell in the gray for even a small time. Matthew 6 is all about relying on God for our provision.

Matthew 6:34
For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Focus on seeking his kingdom first. God knows what we need. Live in today.

That's hard when I am not so happy in today and my hope is that tomorrow will be better. Are we limiting ourselves in our ability to see God by our unending focus on the future? I can't help but think that much of our practical preparations are waste and distraction. I think I might be finally getting it. Oh, the thought gives me ulcers... but maybe eventually it will give me freedom too.

A New Favorite

God gives amazing and wonderful gifts. It can't be denied! Today I held the most precious and beautiful little baby girl in my arms. She's not only a gift to her parents, but she is the gift of hope to those of us who participated in the journey on the way.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." -Proverbs 13:12.

We all prayed for this baby and pleaded that God would grant our prayers for our friends. He is faithful, the God who hears and sees us.

What I love most is this little one's name, Hannah. I adore this story in 1 Samuel because I identify so much with Hannah. She pours out her heart to the Lord and he remembers her. In her thanksgiving she gives her son back to serve the Lord and he ends up leading and counseling the influential people of his time.

“Sir, do you remember me?” Hannah asked. “I am the woman who stood here several years ago praying to the Lord. I asked the Lord to give me this boy, and he has granted my request. Now I am giving him to the Lord, and he will belong to the Lord his whole life.” And they worshiped the Lord there. -1 Samuel 1:26-28

So we thank our God for answering of our prayers, and we dedicate this beauty back to the Lord to be used for his glory!

What a gift that we can participate corporately in the prayers of the one's we love, we pray for their heart's desires and they pray for ours. Seeing their fulfillment leads to our encouragement that he will do the same for us and it binds us together. The season of Thanksgiving never ends.

Today I was reminded again of the best gift we were ever given, the gift of grace in Christ. A gift beyond what we could imagine or desire (Eph 3:20). God knows what we need, when we need it and he gives it generously! I trust the Lord. I hope this encourages you to trust Him also, and trust His people to lift you up and participate in life with you.

P.S. If you get the title reference I am proud of you...

I love shopping in all forms!

Today my shopping was purely for essential items, but its fun because I now challenge myself to get as much as I can for my money. Oh and some things to share with the community too. I logged on and checked for the Walgreen's deals of the week. I was excited to see there was a $5 off $25 coupon. Then I started clipping and strategizing. Walgreen's usually takes two trips. One to get the Register Rewards, which are like cash coupons toward your next purchase, and second trip to use the rewards. Here's what I got in round one.

Here's what I got:

3 Crest toothpastes/ 1Oral B toothbrush- 4 for $10 WG deal along with $5 Register Rewards, I used 3 manufacturer's coupons for $1.75 off. Total cost: $8.25 with $5 RR= $3.25 that's $0.81 or so per item (WOOHOO!)

Listerine Smart Rinse and Agent Cool (not for me, I'm giving this away)- 2 for $8 WG deal along with $3 RR, I had a buy one get one free manufacturer's coupon. Total cost: $4 with $3 RR= $1 that's $0.50 per item!

Sudafed PE (18ct) and Tylenol Sinus (20ct) to stock up for the cold season- $4.99 each along with $5 RR and I had a $2 coupon for the Sudafed and a $1 coupon for the Tylenol. Total cost: $6.98 with $5RR, that's about $1 each

Pampers Swaddlers and Wipes (Again not for me! Giving away.)- Diapers were $8.99 WG deal with $1 RR, and Wipes were $2.99 and I had a coupon for free wipes with the diapers. Total cost: $8.99 with $1RR that's about $8 for the lot.

Maybelline Lipsticks (2) were $7.49 each and Buy One Get One free at WG not to mention there was an additional Walgreen's deal for the day for an extra $2 off. I couldn't pass this up even though it wasn't on my original list. Total cost: $5.49 about $2.75 a piece!

Goody Ouchless Hairbands were $2.99 and $2RR (at this price, why not?!). Total cost: $2.99 with $2RR at $.99

Total it all up and take off the $5 off $25 coupon for the day

Total Bill: $30.70, $31.77 in coupons and savings and it yielded $14 in Register Rewards to use on round two

Round Two- The other necessities I needed that didn't give RR's. The key to round two is that you can only do one coupon per item at Walgreens on average. You can have more than one coupon per item (stacking) but you'll need some items with no coupons. RR's count as a coupon. Here's what I got and how:

Covergirl Tinted Moisturizer (a fav) and Mascara (much needed) were $7.99 each and Buy One Get One %50 off. Total Cost: $11.98 about $6 each

Skintimate Shave Gel was $2 for $5 with a WG coupon and then I had a $1.50 off 2 manufacturer's coupon. Total Cost: $3.50 or $1.75 each

Venus Razor's were both about $6 and I had two coupons for $2 off each. Total Cost: $8 or $4 each.

Playtex tampons (sorry boys but its part of the deal) were $4.99 with $1 manufacturer's coupon. Total Cost: $3.99

Dawn Dish Soap (10.2 oz) with WG coupon $.99 and manufacturer's coupon for $.25. Total Cost: $.74

2 Ziploc Baggies (gallon and sandwich) were 2 for $5 and manufacturer's coupon for $1 off two. Total Cost: $4 or $2 each

2 Pantene Nature Fusion (12.6 oz) were supposed to be $2.99 each but I didn't catch them ringing up at $3.33 each with a $1 off 2 manufacturer's coupon. Total Cost: $5.66 or $2.80 each (should have been $2.50 each!)

Cottonelle 4pk Dbl Roll was $3.49 with $1 manufacturer's coupon. Total Cost: $2.49

Stuff I just needed and got with RR's overage: Bounty- $2.19, Angel Soft 9 Rl- $4, Barilla Pasta-$3

Total Bill: $33.55, $41.69 in coupons and savings! If I had remembered to ask for the $5 off $25 deal and the Pantene misprice it would have been $27.95 (oh well)

After this I went to Safeway and got a HUGE amount of groceries for $51 with $35 in savings (40%), all in all a successful day!

Phew! Its a long one...

I realized I haven't blogged at all lately. So much is going on, and really Facebook seems to be the fastest and easiest way to get out info quickly. I relied on it pretty much for most of my updates in the last few months...Its time to do some posting here of my deeper thoughts and what's been going on.

I think the last 4 months (wow, I can't believe its been so long) have been some of the most stressful I've ever had. Nike announced they were going to do lay offs and restructure and in that effort my division (Asia Pacific) would be eliminated. Now we knew that meant not all the people because someone still has to do the work, but it meant something. So for months we didn't know our fate, we didn't know what to put our efforts towards, we just existed. I went through a normal phase of freak out, then moved on to acceptance, then back into denial, and I cycled through this repeatedly until May when it really got bad.

I've never been in a situation like this before. I didn't know how to encourage people. We all deal with things so differently. I was confident always that if they took me in a room and said no more Nike that I'd be fine. Because I fully trust that God has a clear plan for my life, and if that was the next phase of it I was not going to be disobedient. But that didn't mean I wouldn't be sad or miss the job and company I've grown up in for the past 9 years. NINE years!!! Its the only place I've worked since graduating from college. It would have been a huge change. For those around me though the same confidence in God's plan is definitely not there. I struggled with what to say and not say and still while dealing with my "mess".

As well meaning as people are in their encouragement during these times, you never believe them. I heard a lot of "Well, you'll be fine, you've been there a long time" or "You are a great worker! They'd be dumb to get rid of you", but this is not ever consoling. Instead you just think, what do you know? There are no guarantees! People who had been there 27 years were laid off. No one felt safe. It also seemed somewhat like they were not acknowledging the gravity of the situation, somehow saying you'll be fine was like discounting it. I know that was of course never the intention, but it was still hard. My most encouraging moments were with people who just acknowledged it as scary and prayed for me. In fact the people praying for me were so amazing that I feel in part that God was responding to their prayers corporately more than my one voice, because honestly I just couldn't deal with it or pray about it anymore. By month four I was just numb. Many of you prayed for me and carried the burden for me and I was so appreciative. I saw the Body work as it is meant to, covering my weakness. It was very powerful and comforting. I can almost imagine a chorus of voices in God's ears, pleading on my part, how humbling and honoring!

The week of layoffs was so bad. In many ways I'm just journaling here to record the events so I don't forget. By the week of people had already packed up their desks, which I just couldn't bring myself to do. I am a person who doesn't have things hit them until its right on top of them. So I was just plugging away at work up until the end. But the last two weeks I just started giving up. I was leaving and working out for hours, just to feel I was productive somewhere. And believe me no one cared, no one was really doing much work any more any where. We knew it would happen in the next week after a final email went out saying cuts were larger than originally planned and they were doing all they could to handle this in a respectful way. Which honestly I do believe they did, I'm proud of my company on many levels for doing the right thing. Though I'm sure laying people off never feels like the right thing.

Monday we came in and nothing. So we just wandered and wondered and fretted. I really wish they'd just done it all on Monday and got it over with, but obviously they weren't ready. Then Tuesday by the time I got in at 9 am people had already been laid off on our Finance team. It was a shock because now it was happening and to people we knew well. Panic and if possible higher levels of paranoin really set in. People were crying everywhere in the halls. We heard our day would be Thursday. We were the last to go! We were told we could stay home on Wednesday if we couldn't take coming in, but that Thursday we'd all need to be there.

I just couldn't stay home and freak out by myself. I don't do good being alone with my thoughts in these situations, just ask my friends, I need people. I'd already had a really bad episode after the initial announcements when I'd been alone with my thoughts, the enemy attacked hard. So I came in, and in the end so did most people. I remember running and walking around the track Wednesday just feeling the weight of it all and tears streaming down my face. The day was finally coming, there would be no unknown after tomorrow! I was sad for the loss of teammates and my team that I have come to love would never be the same, even if we kept jobs our organization would change fundamentally. I was grieving.

I finally go back to my desk and everyone is looking for me in a panic. We'd all received invites to meetings the next day and they wanted to know the time of mine. Everyone was comparing notes. I mean is going first good, is it bad, does your invite look different from anyone else's, reading into everything! I was at 1:30, smack in the middle of the pack. All we could do next was wait, give some hugs and encouragement and most of us just went home to await our fate. It was a HS event that night and I had a training meeting, so luckily I was able to keep myself busy. Believe it or not I even slept that night, again I just acknowledge it must have been the prayers. My teammates had been telling me about their nightmares and sleepless nights, but I'd been fairly immune.

Decision day came. Its not like an interview where you prep to sell yourself and go in with confidence. Its so much more fatalistic, the optimism isn't there, there is no choice or effort on your part...The decision has been made for you already, based on things you weren't a part of and had no control over. All you can do is trust and hope the people doing the process did it well and recognized your contribution and want to keep you. God bless our IT friends, who had already gone through their rounds on Tuesday. They brought in the makings for Mimosa's and for a moment we all were ourselves again, laughing and joking and toasting each other. It was a great lift, but then it was time for our first friend and teammate to go down.

He left and never came back. We had no idea what happened to him and this just upset everyone. My friend who works for him directly was sitting at his desk looking to see if she could see him going to his car. Maybe he was so upset about being laid off he couldn't come back and face us. I know this seems strange but I felt a little like I could relate to those in situations like the holocaust where friends or family would be taken to a room to have their fate decided and you had no idea if they'd ever come back and no control over their fate. Obviously my case is not even close in severity, but I got a tiny glimpse of that helplessness. Then two more had their appointments and I left before they came back, I needed air! I saw my favorite former director on the way out and she asked me how I was and tried to encourage me that I was a good employee and I'd be ok, but I just again couldn't believe her. I said thanks and just started loosing it on the way to my car. She could be right, but what if she wasn't? A chat with Betty did me good and got me some outside perspective quickly. I felt I could go back.

When I arrived the two who had gone down were back and they were laid off. I was not totally surprised by one, but the other was a bit of a shock, a 19 year veteran! No one was safe, yet again went through my head. I said a teary good bye and hug. We couldn't eat lunch, just sat at our desks upset. Then our first man out, walked in to our office and said he was fine! We were so elated and relieved. He had been told not to come back right away. I think to keep the others who were being laid off from having a false sense of hope. Then it came... Amendments to our appointments, now only 15 minutes and only with our director, no HR person! This could only be good news, and it was. We were all ok who were left, we had jobs. I guess my tour at Nike is not up.

I had a job! I didn't even care what it was, and said yes before he even gave me the details. Honestly I would have been happy handing out towels and sweeping the gym. I am not a person who can NOT work. I am still on a team with a lot of the same people and still doing the same sort of job (only now I cover more countries and time zones!). Many others are in very different roles and maybe on teams they've never worked with before. But we are all thankful. Most of my dear friends are all still there and its such a relief to move on! I drove to work on Friday and every day since just happy to be going somewhere. I really feel for those who lost their jobs still. They say there is a big amount of survivor guilt after lay offs. Those who stay really sometimes struggle more than those who leave with the effects. Also one of my dearest friends husbands was laid of in another state recently, and this just breaks my heart. In many ways I'd have given up my job for his if I could. He has a family, I can pick up and go anywhere. I mean I can move in with friends! But to loose the one income for your entire family is such a big blow. I have to trust God knows what he will do with them. He's got us, I do believe that.

So now I'm looking with a renewed vision for my workplace. God still has me there. I want to be faithful to that, and faithful to do his work, whatever that might entail.

Shopping high...

No I didn't give up my previous post vow! I am working on how to manage my money better and after a crash course from Kate and lots of blog surfing I found some great coupons and deals. My high from today was from a trip to Safeway and Walgreen's. Walgreen's is a whole new world for me... Most of the deals are detailed on the cool blog Frugal Living. Here's what I got:

Spray 409 and Tilex Shower Cleaner 2 for $6 with a coupon for $1 off and Rewards of $2. Averages out to $1.50 each! Then I got another Rewards deal for Venus Razors at $2 off $8.99 and then I got $6 in Rewards, so that was only $0.99 in the end. So I now have $8 in rewards (basically cash you have to use in the next 2 weeks) that I'll use to buy the rest of my cleaning/personal stuff for the month. Oh, and I can get more rewards tomorrow with another sweet deal!

Safeway I had 4 manufacturer coupons that got doubled and two store coupons that totalled over $5 in coupon savings, and then using the good Safeway deals for the week (look in Sunday's paper) I saved another $38 or so. In the end my savings equaled my bill, that's right... I got all my groceries this week for %50 off!

Sigh of contentment.

No longer a Shopaholic?

Think I can do it? I think its something God is challenging me to try. I mean I love shopping. I find it a sport almost. If there was a competition, I think I'd have a shot at placing in the finals. I would actually frame receipts if it wasn't weird. I still relish the deal I got on those Banana Republic dresses (almost 75% off!!), not too mention the amazing leather jacket I bartered for in Italy. I love looking for good deals and fabulous things, but do I need things? I have a closet full of clothes and shoes. I don't really need more. At the retreat this weekend I really felt God calling me to see the resources He gives me as resources that are fully His. So in other words I need to be more responsible.

It was a bit of a wake up call when Nike announced layoffs are coming. I realized I haven't planned well for the unplanned. I have never even considered the fact that I might be laid off. I mean I'm amazing at my job right (I'm teasing here)? I think we are great at just living our lives on autopilot until something shakes us up and we realize we must change. It reminds me of many of the Old Testament stories where God had to shake things up because the people were apathetic or so entrenched in their sin they couldn't see Him and didn't recognize Him. I wonder if that's what God is allowing to happen to our country right now? Jody confirmed for me at the retreat that we are going into some hard times. I think its going to be essential in the future that we come together as a body and support each other. My favorite quote from the retreat was "If we stop thinking of it as ours but as God's resources we'll have enough". That's what God's challenging me to do. Start treating the resources He sends my way as His and not mine, where I just siphon some off for Him and the rest is for me. I'm just a steward of those resources. If He blesses me then He's blessing the body!

I think I'm supposed to fast from spending money on me. Essentials are ok, but no new jeans, no new shoes, no matter how cute. I'm not sure for how long, but for now I'm at least going through the Lent season. I'm excited to see how God uses this time to teach me and hopefully break some habits. Its like training for the marathon... I need to practice, because the time may well be here where there is no "you" in the equation but its all "us". How do we cover each other? Unemployment is rising and any held job is a resource to feed and care for the body and build the Kingdom. The Word says that they will know us by our love. Our love and community will directly be displayed and tested in this time. Are we ready for it?

Transitions

I don't care if you plan or are prepared for a significant change in your life or if you have the change pushed on you, it takes time and processing. I decided to stop working with the HS youth group as a leader. I'm going to stay on through February but then no more Sundays, no more Wednesdays, no more retreats (well unless I get asked to help with one). I've spent 6 years of my life working with this group. Its been such an important part of my life. At many times its been a frustrating job. I mean the kids don't see the mess they leave behind and it drives me crazy. They don't listen when we give talks and sometimes I don't think anything is sinking in. Then out of nowhere one of them will make a comment that is really insightful and it gives me hope. Not to mention its always fun to walk into a room and have your name yelled out excitedly. I cry often lately when I think that I'm not going to be a part of that anymore.

I've been working through this all in the past few weeks and I'll probably keep working through it for weeks to come. I feel its what I'm supposed to do, so there is confidence in that. I've actually tried to stop working with the kids twice now but could never really follow through with it. Now I'm on a journey to find the next focus of my ministry. This has been a struggle, because I really want to avoid another "position" of ministry. I don't want to do anything that feels like a job, and that I respond to just out of responsibility or because I'm expected too. So I've been more and more thinking about just building a philosophy of ministry. Something that I can just have as a standard for my life, and if an activity/event/interaction fits with that philosophy then I go for it. If it doesn't then I don't need to worry about it. I think this could be revolutionary for me. I am such a task oriented and responsible and loyal person that at times I've struggled with really ministering because of duty or because I want to really glorify God. This shouldn't be a struggle and it breaks my heart that it is.

Floating along

I've been avoiding this blog for a while now. I struggle over what to share and what to say. In blogging I always feel lost in the line between sharing all the inane details of my life and sharing deeper more profound thoughts. Plus the lack of profundity lately seems, I must say... embarrassing. I mean I think about a million things daily, but I don't seem to have enough time to really think it over and share that in an articulate way. I do however find myself addicted to Facebook, where I can share all the randomness of my day in a fast and easy format. I wonder sometimes if we are losing the ability to think deeply at all with some of the technology and speed we now live in. Everything is fast, abbreviated and "entertaining" or we just don't track.

So here is a little bit of both I guess... Since I'm feeling very random.
Randomness:
I bought a new car! Well maybe the technical word is an SUV. I did my research obsessively as usual, but really that is just to justify what I'd already decided... I wanted a new car. The Civic was nice but it was so small and hard to carry people other than myself. I'm way to social for such constraints so now I have a nice pretty Honda CRV. I spent a week working on the deal but finally got one where I feel I didn't get totally screwed over. Though of course the dealer swore up and down they weren't making any money on me. Whatever... They wouldn't have made the deal if they weren't making money.

The snow storm was so crazy here in Portland before Christmas. Everyday was an adventure, but I loved the way the city slowed down and just walked places and got out in their neighborhoods. It was fantastic to see all the people sledding on Tabor or cross country skiing through the streets. I've never seen anything like it.

TV infomercials bring me so many giggles lately. I don't know why but I seem to get an inordinately large amount on the TV stations I watch (and on other randomness I cut cable to afford said vehicle above so its really limited now). My favorites are Smooth Away the magic hair remover that I'm sure just rips the hair out of your skin. OW! The Snuggie, a blanket with arms. You just have to see the commercial and you'll know why I love it. Then there is the one I promised to get my roommate for Christmas but never had the chance, the Ped Egg.

Deeper thoughts: (And I thought I didn't have any?!)
Lately I've been pondering where my ministry focus needs to be next. So far I have no confirmed direction. In fact I think I need to have some more serious prayer and thought in this area. But what is clear is that I seem to be floating. Floating and not invested fully. Am I'm really adding any value right now with the kids in HS? I'm not so sure... I am not sure in fact where I belong anywhere right now.

What I am loving is my weekly prayer times with Kate. These are so essential for my spiritual well being. It keeps me accountable and focused on what God can do in our lives and the lives around us. I do know without a doubt, that prayer is one of the most awesome gifts we've been given. That ability to talk directly to God and hear him speak back to us is so amazing! Also, I feel I need to be focusing on being in the Word more. I need transforming and renewing of my mind. This can really only be achieved by filling it with Truth. My thoughts are overrun with lies sometimes and I need that Truth stored away to combat this.

Little by little

I've been back on Weight Watchers again for the last month or more. I've been trying to work diligently to track what I'm eating and make good choices. Step one after my gluttony in Italy in September was to start focusing in on this again. Things have been going pretty good and I've lost some weight. In fact I enjoy eating healthier, it just takes more effort.

Step two was to join the gym. I had to move from the gym at work because its being rennovated so I joined 24hr Fitness. I set up some personal training sessions to get a plan going. So far I'm incredibly sore and I'm still not able to figure out how to make the weight machines fit my short body.

Results... I'm seeing them for sure. I bought a dress from Banana Republic recently that is 2, count'em 2 sizes smaller than I had been wearing a year ago. YAY!! Ok, well its still a little tight but I think it will be perfect soon. The only sad thing in this process is that the coat I spent a good chunk on last winter is now way too big for me (along with a few other key items). So I either pay money to have it taken in, or I buy a new coat. I actually found a few things in my closet that I haven't been able to fit in for years that now are perfect. Kara was laughing because I was having so much fun shopping in my own closet last week.

The Death of Blogging... NO!

I feel I've neglected blogging out here lately because of Facebook. Its hard to find the balance there, but I do think blogging is a great way to express more than a random thought a day. Facebook is great for quick updates of friends and sharing pictures and silly things. But blogging takes more thought. Frankly it pushes me to process some of my life too and sharing it with you all is always good accountability for me. So here's what's been mulling about in my head lately and its not a good post but I suppose I'm a little rusty.

I love, love, love old movies. Colleen loaned me a bag of movies and I'm working my way through The Thin Man series and I'm in love. These characters blow the Gilmore Girls out of the water with all their fast paced dialog and its incredibly witty. For example this is a line I just heard "What do you mean illiterate? My parents were married right here in City Hall!". Classic. I used to work through old movies like this in high school. I'd just start a movie marathon and watch every single one in a row. How else would I have seen every Esther Williams movie made. There is just something so lovely about old films. I adore the clothing, the style, and I think they can knock many of our current day films out of the water. So that's a little happiness.

Knitting... I'm knitting again and I've come to the realization that I'm quite awful at it. Yet I keep going. I will finish Anna's hat! Though I feel its an effort in futility.

Over the Rhine... I'm so giddy I get to see them in December live. Go listen to them and you'll know why.

My house has become a source of endless projects. How do you not always feel behind when you own a house? My gutters need cleaned. I have a dresser that I need to refinish in the garage that's taking up space. Paint that needs patched in my bedroom. But hey, today I got a lamp up in the living room so we can finally see at night. What a novel idea. It required me drilling a nice hole in the plaster in the ceiling and Kara marveling that I even have a drill and can do such a thing. I like my drill, oh and the power sander I used last weekend.

Speaking of novels... I need a new one to read. But I doubt any will compare to my last one finished. But I guess I need to jump into the lake some time.

Bible Study... We started one this week and it was such a blessing to be a part of it. I hosted it at my house but thankfully I'm not the organizer. I think this has been a void in my life for a while. I am definitely feeling the fact that I haven't been in the Word enough lately. I even read through some old journals recently and it just seems I'm on repeat with my issues and struggles in my life. I'm sure they are cycling and progressing some how, but it was a wake up call that I just go through living life sometimes without really living. Just today I was convicted that I am not even prayerfully considering who is lost around me that needs to know about Christ and to feel his love. This makes me sad.

Alas...Finito

I just finished one of the most entertaining and interesting books I've read in ages. I was pulled in from the start by the crazy and overly descriptive words. I am a big fan of anyone using the English vernacular to its fullest extent, and any time I read a book or hear the use of a perfectly fitting vocabulary word I sigh in contentment. It is fanciful and intriguing at every turn. I can't even begin to describe it, you'll just need to give it a try.

The book is A Winter's Tale by Mark Helprin. I have to admit it took quite a while to work through, but when I came to the end this week I was actually sad. I enjoyed the entire journey. I suppose I need to return it to it's original owner now who let me trek it half way around the world, thank you. Its now covered in my Italian travels' dirt and notes scribbled all over.

Just one sample of perfection to whet your appetite. So many, many more inside...
"Who said that justice is what you imagine? Can you be sure that you know it when you see it, that you will live long enough to recognize the decisive thunder of its occurrence, that it can be manifest within a generation, within ten generations, within the entire span of human existence? What you are talking about is common sense, not justice. Justice is higher and not as easy to understand--until it presents itself in unmistakable splendor."

Helprin, Mark. Winter's Tale. New York: Harcort Brace & Company, 1983. p 149

Grace

I am struck today by how much we need God's grace in our lives. We all make decisions in our free will that mold and shape our lives. Some are good decisions and some not so wise. Regardless, God walks with us through each of those decisions and steps in our lives. I think we know that God has grace for us, but accepting that grace is where we (I) struggle. It seems too easy for us to accept the grace and mercy given us in Christ so we find ways to punish ourselves or we continue to carry the burden of our sin needlessly. It has already been carried to the cross for us. His grace is sufficient. I am meditating on that today.

Milestones and Mania

I'm off for the next two weeks. I planned this trip over a year ago when Laurel were discussing the fateful day I would turn the big, epic 3-0. In the words of a wise Knight.... I'm having quite a bit of "existential angst" right now about this! To say I'm traumatized about this is an understatement. In fact it seems quite impossible because I don't feel this age, and apparently as I found last week, I don't look this age either (yahoo... I think?)! I decided it was best if I be somewhere totally foreign on this fateful day.

So we hatched the plan to meet up and go to Italy and just enjoy life. I must say its so very nice to be looking forward to this birthday because of where and who I'll be with. Much better than dreading it at home by myself. My goal is to live it up and remember all the things God has given me up to this point in my life and celebrate that. I'll post some more travel related info on my travel blog when I return.