Dad called last night. My Grammie died yesterday. Sad.
I'm pretty sure she wasn't a believer. I wasn't that close to her as she's always lived far from me. So the shock last night wasn't too bad. I knew it had been a long time coming but today at work I can't stop crying. On the drive in it started and now it won't stop... I have two meetings I've missed already because I just can't go in there with blood shot eyes and have people ask me about it.
My Uncle Gene has been living with Grammie and taking care of her for the last few years. Its been pretty hard on him lately. I'm sure he feels relief that she's gone and guilt over that relief. Again I don't think he's a believer, or if he is he hasn't walked with God in years. He expressed to my Dad on the phone that the day before she died he prayed to God to just take her away.
God took her, and she struggled the whole way. She was a woman without peace.
10/24/2006
10/15/2006
Raggedy Katie...
You know my favorite doll growing up was Raggedy Ann. I remember it distinctly. I dragged that doll all over. It truly did look ragged and falling apart. Well right now I am Raggedy Katie. I'm sick and exhausted. I knew it was coming. In fact it last week I prophesied it clearly to Laurel. Yet I can't seem to ever stem the tide, and prevent it. You see I have the awful habit or pattern of doing what my Mom always referred to as "running myself ragged".
Its never intentional of course. I just get going and I can't seem to stop, or let anyone down. I used to go to camp or on youth trips, and I would come home every time and get sick immediately. I know my Mom threatened not to let me go because of this, but she never won that battle. Its funny that even now that I am older it still happens. Though now its not because I'm up late giggling with girls in my cabin about boys... I wish! Now I'm up late working and trying to meet stressful work deadlines, or planning lessons or events for the HS Youth Group.
This last few weeks was no exception to my pattern. I first committed to helping with a fundraiser for our church, not a bad thing. Then I planned a trip to visit my good friends the Frosts, who I have been missing terribly, again not a bad thing. Then out of the blue came a massive project at work that snuck up on us all quite quickly. Being that its still a new position for me I definitely felt the pressure to do it well. Last week I just felt the pressure rise every day, working late into the night. I even forgot I was supposed to meet my good friend Midsummer at the church to work on the fundraiser, that she'd agreed to take pity on me and help me with. I felt so bad when she called wondering where I was, I just wanted to cry! See that... That's the sign I'm getting near the edge. Forgetting things and crying at my own failures are definite signs Raggedy Katie is coming out. Ask any of my former roommates.
I didn't want to reschedule my visit to my friends. In fact I needed it. The love of my little girls definitely only helped my state of mind. But then today as I was waiting to board the plane it hit me. I had no defenses left in my poor body, the sickness was here. I've been lying on the couch since I got home exhausted and feeling the full effects of a lovely flu and watching movies that make me cry (Pride and Prejudice the British version of course). I'm sure this will help.
But still I can't help but feel a huge sense of failure about calling in sick to work for tomorrow. Why do we continue in the same patterns over and over? I find this happens with many things in my life. I suppose I'm learning my tendencies more and more. I would hope that this education in my tendencies would help me avoid getting to this point of exhaustion in the future. Hopefully I'll start taking baby steps that way. But for now I have to rest so I can finish well the rest of the tasks I've signed up for in the next few weeks. Oh and did I mention there's a HS retreat in two weeks. It never stops.
Its never intentional of course. I just get going and I can't seem to stop, or let anyone down. I used to go to camp or on youth trips, and I would come home every time and get sick immediately. I know my Mom threatened not to let me go because of this, but she never won that battle. Its funny that even now that I am older it still happens. Though now its not because I'm up late giggling with girls in my cabin about boys... I wish! Now I'm up late working and trying to meet stressful work deadlines, or planning lessons or events for the HS Youth Group.
This last few weeks was no exception to my pattern. I first committed to helping with a fundraiser for our church, not a bad thing. Then I planned a trip to visit my good friends the Frosts, who I have been missing terribly, again not a bad thing. Then out of the blue came a massive project at work that snuck up on us all quite quickly. Being that its still a new position for me I definitely felt the pressure to do it well. Last week I just felt the pressure rise every day, working late into the night. I even forgot I was supposed to meet my good friend Midsummer at the church to work on the fundraiser, that she'd agreed to take pity on me and help me with. I felt so bad when she called wondering where I was, I just wanted to cry! See that... That's the sign I'm getting near the edge. Forgetting things and crying at my own failures are definite signs Raggedy Katie is coming out. Ask any of my former roommates.
I didn't want to reschedule my visit to my friends. In fact I needed it. The love of my little girls definitely only helped my state of mind. But then today as I was waiting to board the plane it hit me. I had no defenses left in my poor body, the sickness was here. I've been lying on the couch since I got home exhausted and feeling the full effects of a lovely flu and watching movies that make me cry (Pride and Prejudice the British version of course). I'm sure this will help.
But still I can't help but feel a huge sense of failure about calling in sick to work for tomorrow. Why do we continue in the same patterns over and over? I find this happens with many things in my life. I suppose I'm learning my tendencies more and more. I would hope that this education in my tendencies would help me avoid getting to this point of exhaustion in the future. Hopefully I'll start taking baby steps that way. But for now I have to rest so I can finish well the rest of the tasks I've signed up for in the next few weeks. Oh and did I mention there's a HS retreat in two weeks. It never stops.
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