Phew! Its a long one...

I realized I haven't blogged at all lately. So much is going on, and really Facebook seems to be the fastest and easiest way to get out info quickly. I relied on it pretty much for most of my updates in the last few months...Its time to do some posting here of my deeper thoughts and what's been going on.

I think the last 4 months (wow, I can't believe its been so long) have been some of the most stressful I've ever had. Nike announced they were going to do lay offs and restructure and in that effort my division (Asia Pacific) would be eliminated. Now we knew that meant not all the people because someone still has to do the work, but it meant something. So for months we didn't know our fate, we didn't know what to put our efforts towards, we just existed. I went through a normal phase of freak out, then moved on to acceptance, then back into denial, and I cycled through this repeatedly until May when it really got bad.

I've never been in a situation like this before. I didn't know how to encourage people. We all deal with things so differently. I was confident always that if they took me in a room and said no more Nike that I'd be fine. Because I fully trust that God has a clear plan for my life, and if that was the next phase of it I was not going to be disobedient. But that didn't mean I wouldn't be sad or miss the job and company I've grown up in for the past 9 years. NINE years!!! Its the only place I've worked since graduating from college. It would have been a huge change. For those around me though the same confidence in God's plan is definitely not there. I struggled with what to say and not say and still while dealing with my "mess".

As well meaning as people are in their encouragement during these times, you never believe them. I heard a lot of "Well, you'll be fine, you've been there a long time" or "You are a great worker! They'd be dumb to get rid of you", but this is not ever consoling. Instead you just think, what do you know? There are no guarantees! People who had been there 27 years were laid off. No one felt safe. It also seemed somewhat like they were not acknowledging the gravity of the situation, somehow saying you'll be fine was like discounting it. I know that was of course never the intention, but it was still hard. My most encouraging moments were with people who just acknowledged it as scary and prayed for me. In fact the people praying for me were so amazing that I feel in part that God was responding to their prayers corporately more than my one voice, because honestly I just couldn't deal with it or pray about it anymore. By month four I was just numb. Many of you prayed for me and carried the burden for me and I was so appreciative. I saw the Body work as it is meant to, covering my weakness. It was very powerful and comforting. I can almost imagine a chorus of voices in God's ears, pleading on my part, how humbling and honoring!

The week of layoffs was so bad. In many ways I'm just journaling here to record the events so I don't forget. By the week of people had already packed up their desks, which I just couldn't bring myself to do. I am a person who doesn't have things hit them until its right on top of them. So I was just plugging away at work up until the end. But the last two weeks I just started giving up. I was leaving and working out for hours, just to feel I was productive somewhere. And believe me no one cared, no one was really doing much work any more any where. We knew it would happen in the next week after a final email went out saying cuts were larger than originally planned and they were doing all they could to handle this in a respectful way. Which honestly I do believe they did, I'm proud of my company on many levels for doing the right thing. Though I'm sure laying people off never feels like the right thing.

Monday we came in and nothing. So we just wandered and wondered and fretted. I really wish they'd just done it all on Monday and got it over with, but obviously they weren't ready. Then Tuesday by the time I got in at 9 am people had already been laid off on our Finance team. It was a shock because now it was happening and to people we knew well. Panic and if possible higher levels of paranoin really set in. People were crying everywhere in the halls. We heard our day would be Thursday. We were the last to go! We were told we could stay home on Wednesday if we couldn't take coming in, but that Thursday we'd all need to be there.

I just couldn't stay home and freak out by myself. I don't do good being alone with my thoughts in these situations, just ask my friends, I need people. I'd already had a really bad episode after the initial announcements when I'd been alone with my thoughts, the enemy attacked hard. So I came in, and in the end so did most people. I remember running and walking around the track Wednesday just feeling the weight of it all and tears streaming down my face. The day was finally coming, there would be no unknown after tomorrow! I was sad for the loss of teammates and my team that I have come to love would never be the same, even if we kept jobs our organization would change fundamentally. I was grieving.

I finally go back to my desk and everyone is looking for me in a panic. We'd all received invites to meetings the next day and they wanted to know the time of mine. Everyone was comparing notes. I mean is going first good, is it bad, does your invite look different from anyone else's, reading into everything! I was at 1:30, smack in the middle of the pack. All we could do next was wait, give some hugs and encouragement and most of us just went home to await our fate. It was a HS event that night and I had a training meeting, so luckily I was able to keep myself busy. Believe it or not I even slept that night, again I just acknowledge it must have been the prayers. My teammates had been telling me about their nightmares and sleepless nights, but I'd been fairly immune.

Decision day came. Its not like an interview where you prep to sell yourself and go in with confidence. Its so much more fatalistic, the optimism isn't there, there is no choice or effort on your part...The decision has been made for you already, based on things you weren't a part of and had no control over. All you can do is trust and hope the people doing the process did it well and recognized your contribution and want to keep you. God bless our IT friends, who had already gone through their rounds on Tuesday. They brought in the makings for Mimosa's and for a moment we all were ourselves again, laughing and joking and toasting each other. It was a great lift, but then it was time for our first friend and teammate to go down.

He left and never came back. We had no idea what happened to him and this just upset everyone. My friend who works for him directly was sitting at his desk looking to see if she could see him going to his car. Maybe he was so upset about being laid off he couldn't come back and face us. I know this seems strange but I felt a little like I could relate to those in situations like the holocaust where friends or family would be taken to a room to have their fate decided and you had no idea if they'd ever come back and no control over their fate. Obviously my case is not even close in severity, but I got a tiny glimpse of that helplessness. Then two more had their appointments and I left before they came back, I needed air! I saw my favorite former director on the way out and she asked me how I was and tried to encourage me that I was a good employee and I'd be ok, but I just again couldn't believe her. I said thanks and just started loosing it on the way to my car. She could be right, but what if she wasn't? A chat with Betty did me good and got me some outside perspective quickly. I felt I could go back.

When I arrived the two who had gone down were back and they were laid off. I was not totally surprised by one, but the other was a bit of a shock, a 19 year veteran! No one was safe, yet again went through my head. I said a teary good bye and hug. We couldn't eat lunch, just sat at our desks upset. Then our first man out, walked in to our office and said he was fine! We were so elated and relieved. He had been told not to come back right away. I think to keep the others who were being laid off from having a false sense of hope. Then it came... Amendments to our appointments, now only 15 minutes and only with our director, no HR person! This could only be good news, and it was. We were all ok who were left, we had jobs. I guess my tour at Nike is not up.

I had a job! I didn't even care what it was, and said yes before he even gave me the details. Honestly I would have been happy handing out towels and sweeping the gym. I am not a person who can NOT work. I am still on a team with a lot of the same people and still doing the same sort of job (only now I cover more countries and time zones!). Many others are in very different roles and maybe on teams they've never worked with before. But we are all thankful. Most of my dear friends are all still there and its such a relief to move on! I drove to work on Friday and every day since just happy to be going somewhere. I really feel for those who lost their jobs still. They say there is a big amount of survivor guilt after lay offs. Those who stay really sometimes struggle more than those who leave with the effects. Also one of my dearest friends husbands was laid of in another state recently, and this just breaks my heart. In many ways I'd have given up my job for his if I could. He has a family, I can pick up and go anywhere. I mean I can move in with friends! But to loose the one income for your entire family is such a big blow. I have to trust God knows what he will do with them. He's got us, I do believe that.

So now I'm looking with a renewed vision for my workplace. God still has me there. I want to be faithful to that, and faithful to do his work, whatever that might entail.

Shopping high...

No I didn't give up my previous post vow! I am working on how to manage my money better and after a crash course from Kate and lots of blog surfing I found some great coupons and deals. My high from today was from a trip to Safeway and Walgreen's. Walgreen's is a whole new world for me... Most of the deals are detailed on the cool blog Frugal Living. Here's what I got:

Spray 409 and Tilex Shower Cleaner 2 for $6 with a coupon for $1 off and Rewards of $2. Averages out to $1.50 each! Then I got another Rewards deal for Venus Razors at $2 off $8.99 and then I got $6 in Rewards, so that was only $0.99 in the end. So I now have $8 in rewards (basically cash you have to use in the next 2 weeks) that I'll use to buy the rest of my cleaning/personal stuff for the month. Oh, and I can get more rewards tomorrow with another sweet deal!

Safeway I had 4 manufacturer coupons that got doubled and two store coupons that totalled over $5 in coupon savings, and then using the good Safeway deals for the week (look in Sunday's paper) I saved another $38 or so. In the end my savings equaled my bill, that's right... I got all my groceries this week for %50 off!

Sigh of contentment.

No longer a Shopaholic?

Think I can do it? I think its something God is challenging me to try. I mean I love shopping. I find it a sport almost. If there was a competition, I think I'd have a shot at placing in the finals. I would actually frame receipts if it wasn't weird. I still relish the deal I got on those Banana Republic dresses (almost 75% off!!), not too mention the amazing leather jacket I bartered for in Italy. I love looking for good deals and fabulous things, but do I need things? I have a closet full of clothes and shoes. I don't really need more. At the retreat this weekend I really felt God calling me to see the resources He gives me as resources that are fully His. So in other words I need to be more responsible.

It was a bit of a wake up call when Nike announced layoffs are coming. I realized I haven't planned well for the unplanned. I have never even considered the fact that I might be laid off. I mean I'm amazing at my job right (I'm teasing here)? I think we are great at just living our lives on autopilot until something shakes us up and we realize we must change. It reminds me of many of the Old Testament stories where God had to shake things up because the people were apathetic or so entrenched in their sin they couldn't see Him and didn't recognize Him. I wonder if that's what God is allowing to happen to our country right now? Jody confirmed for me at the retreat that we are going into some hard times. I think its going to be essential in the future that we come together as a body and support each other. My favorite quote from the retreat was "If we stop thinking of it as ours but as God's resources we'll have enough". That's what God's challenging me to do. Start treating the resources He sends my way as His and not mine, where I just siphon some off for Him and the rest is for me. I'm just a steward of those resources. If He blesses me then He's blessing the body!

I think I'm supposed to fast from spending money on me. Essentials are ok, but no new jeans, no new shoes, no matter how cute. I'm not sure for how long, but for now I'm at least going through the Lent season. I'm excited to see how God uses this time to teach me and hopefully break some habits. Its like training for the marathon... I need to practice, because the time may well be here where there is no "you" in the equation but its all "us". How do we cover each other? Unemployment is rising and any held job is a resource to feed and care for the body and build the Kingdom. The Word says that they will know us by our love. Our love and community will directly be displayed and tested in this time. Are we ready for it?